You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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