Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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