I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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