life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
