My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
