She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
