Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
