My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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