when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
