mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
