omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
