you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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