Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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