Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
