he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
