I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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