everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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