I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
