The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
