Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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