I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
