Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
