My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
