GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
