I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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