so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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