it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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