I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
