When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
