This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
