Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
