My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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