my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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