Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
