I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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