I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
