So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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