Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
