remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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