So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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