he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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