mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
