Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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