i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
