and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
