Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
