And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
