I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
