I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
