If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
