Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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